


Vital Laceration

by SithHappened2Me



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Dark, F/M, Healing, I'm Bad At Tagging, Redemption, Romance, Self-Destruction, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-29
Updated: 2016-12-09
Packaged: 2018-05-16 23:45:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5845555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SithHappened2Me/pseuds/SithHappened2Me
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Healing implies a wound. The wound could be a cut or a scrape. The wound could be a bruise or a rash. The wound could be a headache, or fever. Or, that wound could imply something has been torn in the soul. Wounds of this nature aren't as easy to heal. They take patience, time, and in most cases, they take the kind of care that equals the pain of the original wound inflicted. However, sometimes, not all wounds can be healed. Some...are beyond repair...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First Cut

The street was bustling with villagers headed to or from the various shops along the main path of the market. There were natives looking for their daily meals or quick fixes and visitors from the nearby space port out exploring the planet. In the shop at the end of the line, a woman sat behind a table, mixing herbs together with several vials next to her as a young boy barraged her with questions.

"My mother said that you are the only one who makes the medicine that makes my father better. Is that true?"

The woman smiled. She was no older than 27 standard years old, with dark brown hair and soft green eyes. "That is very true. What's your name?"

"Alin. Your name is Ilira, right? That's what my mother said." The woman nodded and kept mixing. Alin wandered around the shop, reading the labels on various bottles and vials. He looked back to make sure Ilira wasn't watching as he reached for a bottle containing a solid orange paste. He wasn't tall enough to easily reach the shelf, so he stretched up on his toes and grasped for the bottle. His fingers grazed the top just enough to knock it down, sending it crashing to the floor. 

Ilira shot over to Alin. "Are you alright?" She looked at his hands and saw no wounds, but part of the glass had cut him near his ankle. Tears began to fill his eyes as he muttered an apology that Ilira waved away. She brought him to a chair, glancing nervously at the open door and window. When she saw no one else, she lowered her hands to hover over the cut, closing her eyes. Alin looked down at her, confused. 

"What are you doing?" 

Ilira pulled her hands away, sitting back on her knees. "Does that feel better?" Alin looked down to see that the cut had all but disappeared. All that was left was a thin white line. Alin's eyes grew wide as he realized that the pain was gone. 

"How did you do that..." Alin said in total awe. 

Ilira stood up, grabbing a bin to put the broken bottle in. "Let's make a deal. I won't tell anyone about the broken bottle and will give you the medicine for free today, if you keep that," she gestured to his ankle, "our little secret." Alin smiled, nodding vigorously. He hopped up and helped Ilira scoop up the remainder of the paste into the bin as she packaged up the last of the herbal mix. She handed it to Alin and he happily ran out of her shop.

She sat back, heaving a sigh. It had been awhile since she had had to physically heal anyone. She stared at her hands. It was a risk to display that power in front of anyone. She had lived peacefully on Ennth for nearly seven years, having come here to keep a low profile. She had shown up not long after the planet had undergone a major surface shift, courtesy of the orbit of it's moon coming too close to the planet, as it did every eight years. The land being in shambles and needing to be rebuilt provided her a perfect way to assimilate without drawing much attention. 

And for seven years, she has lived in peace, making a small living as the town healer. She created herbal remedies to heal and alleviate most minor ailments. It was a quiet existence, but for Ilira, quiet was something she had come to enjoy. Before living on Ennth, she hadn't known much of silence. Her life here was peaceful. 

The sun had begun to set, signaling the end of her day at her shop. She grabbed a small bag from behind the counter and shut the windows. A low grumble in her stomach reminded her that she hadn't eaten yet today. Shutting the door behind her, Ilira made her way to the local cantina. The cantina, owned by a local man named Callum Lo, had a walk up service where small selections could be ordered to take home immediately. 

Callum Lo stood at the walk up window and smiled when he saw Ilira. "How's my favorite healer today?" 

Ilira raised an eyebrow at him. "I'm the only healer you know, Cal."

"Oh, that's beside the point." Ilira and Callus Lo had been playing this joke off for years now. "The usual for you?" Ilira nodded and reached into her bag to pay, but he stopped her. "Your money's no good here. I still owe you for saving me from those burns a few months back."

Callum Lo gathered her order into a small container and Ilira thanked him before heading along the path to the forest. She put the box into her bag and slung it over her shoulder as she began climbing her way into the tree-lined range. She had made her home along the edge of the forest, far from anyone else. She used her solitude to meditate mostly. A tree with purple leaves became visible, and she sprinted up to it, jumping to grab for the lowest branch. Nimbly, she ascended the tree until she reached her home. It overlooked the entire village, including the nearby space port. She pulled out her food, eating while she watched ships take off and land. The sky continued it's descent into darkness as she packed away the container. 

When she looked away, she missed a large ship landing at the space port. It was a very odd shape, unlike any seen on Ennth before. The landing crew looked at each other with unease. The ship had large wings that nearly stood straight up when it landed. The walkway descended and a man with red hair and a very rigid posture made his way down, flanked by a number of storm troopers. The villagers took a step back in horror. This man was with the First Order.

The red haired man narrowed his eyes, gazing at everyone as they averted their eyes. "Where is Elder Rasko Ji Hox?" He demanded, holding his arms behind his back. Rasko Ji Hox stepped out of the shadows, having just arrived at the space port. 

"I am right here, General. I apologize for my delay." The General walked towards the Elder and they both disappeared into a room with their respective guards both inside the room and standing guard outside the door. "Now, your transmission said you were looking for someone here?"

"Yes. The First Order has learned that you have an experienced Healer here. Can you confirm this?" Elder Rasko Ji Hox nodded. "Good. At first light, we will require this Healer to be brought here to meet with us. Will this be a problem?"

"Of course not! Anything to...help...the First Order, sir," The Elder said, bowing his head respectively. "What services will you require of her? Will we need to have her bring any specific remedies with her?"

"My storm troopers will see to that. Have her arrive, ready to depart at first light."

Elder Rasko Ji Hox appeared confused. "Will she be leaving with you tomorrow, then?"

"Yes. The First Order will be requiring her services immediately. Your village will be rewarded handsomely for your cooperation. That will be all, Elder." And with that, the General stood up and left with his guards flanking him as he boarded the ship once more, the walkway retreating, and the ship departing into the sky. 

The Elder stood, ushering his men to join him. "Feau. Tor. Find Ilira. Let her know that the First Order has left us no choice. Help her collect her things and make sure that she is not late... I'm not prepared to see what will happen if she were to be..."

Ilira had watched the strange ship depart from her home. She frowned, sensing that something was not right about it. Normally, she would go to sleep at this point, but instead she unearthed a small box from her cabinet. It had a small layer of dust over it that she blew away with one breath. Opening the box, she felt a pang deep within her chest. The dark metal cylinder shone in the moonlight, with a glint catching Ilira's face. It had been a long time since she had opened the box and laid eyes on the metal cylinder. She sighed, eyebrows furrowing as she sat back, stomach in knots as the sensation of unease settled and grew. 

Taking a deep breath, she trusted her instincts. She changed out of her night clothes and into a pair of black pants tucked into her black boots. She pulled a loose fitting top over her head, tucking it into the pants and strapping a belt around her waist. The belt had mini pouches that she kept herbs and small vials of useful remedies in. She found her dark brown cloak and held it in her hands, staring out the window. 

In the distance, Ilira saw two figures approaching her tree. She descended quickly, meeting them at the base. She recognized them once they came into a clear view from where she stood. "Feau...Tor...is everything alright?"

Tor nodded his head. "Yes... Elder Rasko Ji Hox has sent us to have you be prepared to meet at the space port at first light." He looked at Feau with unease.

Ilira nodded solemnly. "This is about that strange ship isn't it..."

Feau took a step forward, placing a hand on Ilira's arm. "It was a general from the First Order. He contacted Elder Rasko Ji Hox late last week about you. Apparently, some of our visitors have spoken highly of your healing capabilities and the First Order has learned of them. The General mentioned their need of an extraordinary healer. He wasn't very subtle when he said he would not accept a refusal, but that he would reward the planet for the impending gravitational change should we choose to cooperate. Ilira... you are to pack up your things and prepare to depart first thing in the morning."

Ilira took a deep breath. Her feelings had been correct. This was not a good thing at all. Ennth was a very neutral planet, but through the various pilots that had come through the space port, the locals were well aware of the First Order's terror. Most recently, a pilot had reported that the Hosnian System was obliterated in seconds, thereby destroying the Republic's fleet and Senate. Ilira could feel a panic settle in her core. "I guess that settles it... I will pack my things. Will one of you take care of gathering my things from the shop?"

"The General said he would have his men take care of that." Tor looked uneasy at the thought. "Ilira, we are so sorry. You know if there had been any other way we-"

Ilira raised her hand to silence him. "I know, Tor. It will be alright. I will be alright." She hoped her words had been convincing, because she did not believe them for a moment. If the First Order realized who she was, she would be terminated immediately. "I will begin packing now and head to the space port as soon as I am ready... Thank you both for telling me in person."

Feau smiled sadly. "Elder Rasko Ji Hox would have had it no other way. Nor would we. You have been so important to us here. You will be sorely missed." Ilira hugged them both before climbing back up to her home. 

She looked around, panic rising. There were two bags she had been using to transport herbs and spring water to and from her shop. Those would need to suffice for everything she would have to bring. She packed up a few outfits and satchels of oils and ointments, her book of records of her time on Ennth, various empty vials and bottles and small boxes, and two pairs of shoes. She set her eyes on the small wooden box. She would have to be creative about how to sneak this onto the ship with her. It would be a dead giveaway as to who she was. If she were to hide it on her person, it would need to be on her cloak. Grabbing the cloak and laying it inside out, she set about sewing a panel to keep the small cylinder hidden in where it would not be visible. To conceal it's shape, she stuck a few vials in with it, making it appear as another bunch of remedies. 

Ilira had not left the planet surface since she had arrived. The highest she got was this hut she had built for herself in the trees. To think that in a few hours, she would never see it again pained her. She sat herself on the ledge, peering up at the dark sky, lit only by the stars and lights from the space port. She closed her eyes and began meditating. She cleared her mind of her panic, of her longing to stay in her home, of anything. A gentle hum spread over her body and she could feel tingling on her skin. Every inhale and exhale pulled her deeper towards peace. Searching her feelings, she allowed herself to embrace her coming change and to know that her practices would protect her. She could hear faint voices speaking all at once in hushed tones, creating a symphony of sound that reminded her she would not be alone. She could never be alone. 

The sound of a ship departing pulled her from her meditative state. It was a sign that it was time for her to make her way to the space port. Pulling on her cloak and grabbing her bags, Ilira took a final look at her home, thanking it for giving her shelter these many years. She descended from her tree and began her walk to the space port, still in disbelief that this would be her last time walking through her village on Ennth.


	2. The Darkest Knight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ilira willing goes with the First Order, leaving her home on Ennth behind with no knowledge of why she has been chosen.

Dawn had barely broken over the horizon when the General of the First Order’s ship made its way into the space port. Elder Rasko Ji Hox stood to the side of the landing platform with Feau and Tor flanking him on both sides. Ilira stood off to the side with her bags next to her. She gazed over the strange looking ship that almost appeared to have wings. The walkway descended and a man with red hair marched over to the group.

“Elder. I see that we had no issues bringing your healer here.” He turned to face Ilira. “You must be Miss Odera.”

Ilira took a step forward, nodding her head curtly. “I am. I understand you have arranged for me to join you.” She was unable to keep the attitude from seeping through her calm exterior.

“Yes. I am General Hux. Won’t you begin boarding so that we can make a swift departure?” Nothing in his tone suggested that it was a question. It was an order. Ilira smiled, nodding her head again, before turning to the three men from Ennth that had become like an extended family to her. They all smiled encouragingly at her, but she could sense their apprehension and worry. She smiled genuinely at each of them.

“Until we meet again.”

A group of storm troopers arrived with cases of her things from the shop. General Hux directed them aboard the ship, and waited to board until Ilira had begun. She took one final look back at the Elder who held up one hand as if to wave goodbye. She brought her bags to one of the storm troopers loading the other things and took a seat at a table across from General Hux. His posture was rigid and stiff. He held his jaw exceptionally tight and he appeared to always be unhappy. Ilira settled back against the seat as she felt the ship take off.

It had been quite awhile since she had flown in any craft. Centering herself, she relaxed before looking up at General Hux, who was studying her face. “Would it be pertinent of me to ask what nature of business I was sought out for? I am a simple healer. What services could the First Order require of me?” Ilira was guarded, still unsure why she had been hand selected. The General lifted two fingers and a storm trooper brought him a datapad. General Hux placed the datapad on the table between them and turned it to face Ilira.

"The First Order became aware of your healing abilities through talk of different travelers you have traded with. It became clear you were far more advanced than you were letting on, which is why we have brought you here." He tapped the datapad and a hologram image projected out above it. It was of a human body with various points indicated as injuries. "This is what we require of you. This is a highly important Commander who has been wounded. It is of utmost importance that he is healed quickly and efficiently. Our medic droids can only do so much, and the staff aboard our ship is not equipped for long-term solutions. It will be up to you to see that he is healed."

Ilira looked at the hologram, spinning it to view from multiple angles. The figure appeared to have a superficial wound on both shoulders, a facial wound, and a massive wound to the left rib. Health stats were listed to the sides, showing the severity of each wound. The shoulder wounds and facial wounds were stable, but in need of scar repair and basic healing. The wound on his side, however, was quickly developing an infection and had caused a severe blood loss and potential internal damage. The medic droids had stabilized the man for the time being, but it was clear why Ilira was needed. She held the datapad in front of her, releasing the hologram. 

"I understand. I will do what I can for the Commander." Ilira paused, not wanting her curiosity to pique the General's. "Does the Commander have a name?" Ilira made it seem like an innocent question as much as possible. General Hux furrowed his brow, but kept his expression neutral. He turned his head slightly, waving the nearby storm troopers out of ear shot.

"You understand that you are now under the employ of the First Order." It was a statement, not a question. Ilira nodded. "Upon you entering this vessel, you were placed under a binding contract, punishable by death should you breach it. Due to the role you will be filling, you will be privy to highly classified information. It must be protected at all costs. Do you understand this?"

Ilira nodded again, her curiosity piquing further. She had a basic knowledge of the First Order and their opposition to the Republic and rumored Resistance. During her life on Ennth, she kept her discussions of politics to a minimum with residents as well as the pilots that passed through. General Hux leaned forward a bit. He punched what appeared to be a code into the datapad and swiveled it back to face Ilira. She picked it up and read it over:

Patient Name: Kylo Ren  
Occupation: Commander of the First Order, Master of the Knights of Ren  
Age: Unknown. Thought to be near 30 standard years  
Priority Level: Urgent

Ilira felt her blood run cold. She had heard of the Knights of Ren before. Her vision went blurry around the edges and she felt a tremor of anger start to boil within her core. She nodded once more at General Hux, making to swivel the datapad back to him, but he held up his hand. "This is to be your datapad to track the Commander's recovery and to place any orders you need for supplies." Before he could say more, a man in a dark uniform not unlike General Hux's called the General away. 

Leaning back into her seat, Ilira stared at the datapad once more. Knights of Ren. Something stirred in her; a feeling that had been repressed for a long time. She brought a hand to brace her head as she struggled against her anger. The ship slowed as it was brought into the landing bay of a massive battle ship. Ilira stood once the craft had stopped and the walkway descended. General Hux was at her side and guiding her off the vessel.

Ilira nodded as General Hux spoke of protocols and supplies she would have access to. She wasn't listening very intently. Her focus was on keeping herself balanced. She kept her breathing pattern even and her hands unclenched as she followed after General Hux, noting how clinical the ships hallways felt. He pointed out various rooms and hallways, telling what they were or where they led to before stopping in front of a much larger door. Ilira's attention was brought back to General Hux's words and not her instability. 

"This is the med bay. Though, before we take you to the Commander, I would ask two things of you. Another Captain could benefit from your examination, though not as urgently as the Commander's injuries," Ilira made to walk through the door, but hand reached out to hold her in place. "You will need to be de-contaminated before seeing either of the patients. There is a shower and a steaming chamber for your clothing. I will greet you at the other side promptly."

General Hux unlocked the doors with another code punched into a panel on the wall. Inside, it was dark. There was a door to the left with a protocol droid standing at attention. General Hux indicated for Ilira to go through that door. The droid opened the door for her, and followed her in. 

"Hello. I am NT-574. The decontamination shower is to your right. If you leave your clothes on this table, I will begin the steaming." The droid seemed pleasant enough. Ilira stripped off her clothing, carefully laying her cloak to that it's contents stayed hidden. She stepped into the decontamination shower and was immediately doused in water from multiple angles. She closed her eyes as soap and water nearly drowned her. And just as quickly as it had began, the water stopped. Stepping out of the shower, she was blasted by warm air on all sides, effectively drying her completely in seconds. Her clothes had been replaced on the table, neatly folded by NT-574. 

"Entee?" Ilira paused as she pulled her shirt over her head. "What can you tell me about the Commander I was brought here to heal? Do you know anything that could help me?"

"Well, Miss Odera, the Commander was injured by two different weapons. The majority of his injuries have taken well to the bacta salve applied, but the wound to his rib is far more complicated. It seems to require a unique form of medication. That is why you are here." 

There were two separate weapons that had done the damage. As NT-574 escorted Ilira into the next room, Ilira pulled out the datapad and stared at the screen with the injuries shown. On Ennth, she had little to no sophisticated technology, let alone any bacta. Her methods relied on herbs and crystals that she had brought with her. The healing process she favored was not technological at all. It was very traditional, which it seemed as though the First Order knew nothing about. On the scans, the three lesser wounds all appeared to be cauterized; as though a lightsaber had caused the cuts. Ilira began to chew on her bottom lip as she felt her nerves return. 'Knight of Ren...' she thought. 'And I have to heal this man. What could possibly go wrong?'

"Miss Odera. If you will follow me." General Hux led her through a chamber that seemed like a laboratory, but had multiple beds prepped for emergency trauma. There were two medic droids taking care of five storm troopers with varying degrees of injuries "This is where our troopers are brought in for quick mending. You won't have any contact with them." They continued through another hall with private rooms on either side. The one on the left had it's curtains drawn and a faint beeping could be heard chirping through the door. A medic droid opened the door and approached General Hux.

"General, the Captain wishes to speak with you. She has been asking for an hour as to your whereabouts."

"And why is she no longer under a sleeping aid?" The droid made to respond, however General Hux had already continued. "Nevermind. Entee, please show Miss Odera to the Commander's room while I attend to this matter." And with that, he disappeared into the room with the curtains drawn, the door closing behind him. NT-574 led Ilira down the hall past more rooms until the hall curved and ended with a steel door. NT-574 typed in a code and input a chip that began unlocking the door. Ilira's heart was pounding in her chest. 'Knight of Ren. Master of the Knights of Ren.' The door clicked open and Ilira followed NT-574 though the doorway. 'Just heal him. That's all you have to do. Just do the work and survive.'

The room was large, but full of machines and a desk to the right, and on the left was a bed with an unconscious figure lying on top with two or three machines surrounding him. Ilira checked her data pad again. He was 6'3" approximately and appeared, other than the obvious, to be in excellent health. There was a machine humming next to his head that attached a mask over his nose and mouth with black straps surrounding his head and chin to hold it on, and the lower half of his face had bacta patches that traced diagonally over to the other side. He was wearing a loose black top that was opened to expose his left rib area where another machine was attached to a cup that seemed to cover the wound that everyone was so worried about. A screen at the foot of the bed showed his vitals. Ilira walked up to it, seeing if anything had changed since the data was pulled into her datapad. 

He was still in a medically induced sleep but was holding his own. The side wound had become infected, and was being treated with a bacta spray to attempt to heal the surface. His shoulders had been bandaged and changed recently, and his pulse was strong. "Entee, would you mind finding General Hux to ask where my supplies will be dropped off? I'd like to get started on the Commander as soon as possible."

NT-574 bowed her head slightly and went through the door. Now that Ilira was alone for the first time, save for the Commander, she exhaled after what felt like she had held her breath underwater for hours. The reality of her situation began to sink in, and her emotions became errant. She felt anger at having been taken from her home so abruptly, fear for what could happen to her now that she was under the control of the First Order, panic over whether or not she could heal this Commander to the specifications General Hux was demanding, and a combination of all three over facing what had plagued her nightmares for the past seven years. The Knights of Ren. They had torn her world apart and destroyed everyone she cared for without a second thought, and here she was expected to rectify exceptional damage done to the leader of the Knights of Ren. She clenched and unclenched her fists as she attempted in vain to center herself and turn off her emotional overload. 

She focused on the soft beeping from the mechanism monitoring the Commander's vitals as well as the hum of the other machines. She closed her eyes, allowing her worry and anger to leave her and be replaced by the comfort of her knowledge and abilities. Healing had been a talent of hers for as long as she could remember. It was her calling and healing others helped to heal her after the devastation of losing everyone in her life. She felt the light fill her and overtake the darkness her anger had brought forth. She opened her palms and brought her hands together, intertwining her fingers together. With a few cleansing breaths, she opened her eyes again, focusing on why she was here. 

Her eyes traveled up the Commander's legs to the rib wound. She walked over to the machine spraying a bacta concentrate onto it. Through the clear dome of the cup, she could see the hole left by whatever had shot him and the bruising that surrounded it. How he had survived taking a hit like this seemed impossible. She let her eyes follow up his torso to the patches covering the cauterized wounds on his shoulders. There appeared to be no surrounding damage, which was a good sign. Despite her hesitation, Ilira allowed her gaze to finally rest on the Commander's face. 

Much of it was covered by the patches and respirator keeping him asleep, but when Ilira focused on what she could see, she felt her entire body freeze. A cold chill spread through her veins and her lungs ceased to push any air in or out. Her eyes widened and tingled as her mouth fell slightly ajar. Her throat became dry and the room began to spin as she reached for the machine near her to steady her immobilized body. Any calm she had previously achieved was gone in an instant and was replaced by a cacophony of emotions. Anger. Fear. Panic. Terror. Confusion. Pain. Disbelief. Devastation. 

She gasped for air, the breath coming jagged and hard. Once the dizziness had passed, she pushed herself upright again, not once tearing her eyes from his face. 'No...' Without thought of consequence, she reached forward and unclipped the mask administering the sleeping aid and pulled it away, careful not to touch his skin, setting it beside him. Tears fell from her eyes as millions of thoughts raced through her head, making her dizzy once more. 

Ilira reached her hand forward slowly, shaking uncontrollably now. Her hand hovered about his now exposed face as she listened to his even breaths. Her fingers grazed his cheek before recoiling as though burned. The room was spinning and she felt her stomach turn, sending waves of nausea crashing over her. She lost control of her legs and the room began fading to black as she fell. Just before her head hit the ground and she passed out, she uttered a single word.

"Ben..?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will warn you now, I love cliffhangers...but I will promise that the next update won't take NEARLY as long as this one did! Please leave feedback in the comments! :)


	3. Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ilira is confronted with her past, and a conflict in her present.

_'The waves lapped at the edge of the lake against the rocks where Ilira sat. She stared over the water as the sun was setting, completely calm and at peace. She hugged her right knee up to her chest and rested her chin against it. Her hair dusted just past her shoulders and it blew against her face in the wind. She closed her eyes and brought her knee down to a cross-legged pose, resting her hands on her thighs. Inhaling deeply, Ilira began to meditate and center herself. The gentle and familiar hum engulfed her being and allowed her to completely release herself and all her emotions into a serene nothing._

_In her state, she did not hear someone approach behind her, but rather felt it. She felt the figure pausing next to a nearby tree and sensed it just watching her. The figure could feel the hum emanating from where Ilira sat. Walking towards her, the figure took a seat next to her, settling into a similar pose. By now, Ilira was aware of another presence, but her eyes remained closed. She felt the presence fall into the same meditative state she was in. Ilira smiled a little._

_The two sat there until the sun had completely disappeared behind the trees and the stars took up residence in the sky. Slowly, Ilira brought her consciousness back to where she sat. She felt her companion do the same. Without moving from her seated position or opening her eyes, Ilira reached a hand over to rest it on the figure's shoulder. "This is the second time this week you've found me here. Are you following me?"_

_A hand rested over Ilira's. "And what if I was?" Ilira opened her eyes, resting them on the boy next to her. He was tall and with dark wavy hair that just fell over his ears. His dark eyes met hers and a playful smirk fell across his face. Ilira rolled her eyes at him and pulled her hand back to rest in her lap._

_"What's your reason for coming all the way out here this time, Ben?" Ilira shifted to face him a little better, noting how the starlight seemed to dance over his features. "Last time it was that you were looking for a place to meditate and that I had 'supposedly taken your spot'. What this time? Could you not clear your mind?"_

_Ben looked down at his hands. "It's hard to with everyone else around. I can hear them...Almost see what they are thinking. I wanted somewhere more alone."_

_"But you aren't alone. You're with me," Ilira noted. She and Ben were in the same training groups growing up at the Academy, and often, she was the only one to talk to him without a tone of mocking. Recently, the students had begun individualized studies for their specialty. Ilira was studying healing, and Ben was still undecided. In his separation from her on a day to day basis, it was becoming clear that Ben had begun to gravitate towards her more during their free time. "Is everything alright?"_

_Ben appeared conflicted. He wasn't a boy of many words, and often struggled to come up with the right ones. "I've been having the dreams again. The ones that feel more like a vision than a real dream." He furrowed his brow as he recalled what he'd seen._

_Ilira scooted up to him, reaching out and grabbing his hands in hers. He'd been speaking of these visions to her for the past few months. He could recall having them as a child, but they were growing more frequent. He never revealed to Ilira what happened in them, only that it was the Dark Side. "Force Visions can mean many things, Ben. They aren't always exactly what they seem. I don't know what the Force is showing you, but whatever it is, you should talk to Master Luke about it."_

_Ben scoffed and pulled his hands away. "Uncle Luke can't help. He'll just tell me to resist the Dark Side and stay true to the Light. Which isn't so easy to do when-"_

_"When the Dark Side calls to you, showing you what you want and what it is you want to achieve, right?" Ben stared at Ilira in shock. She nodded with a small sigh. "Ben, I've always been able to see that part of you is drawn to the darkness. But then the fear of what others tell you takes hold and you fixate on the fact that everyone here believes in only learning the Light Side of the Force and you struggle harder. But, Ben...whatever you see in these visions is hurting you." Ilira paused, carefully considering her next words. "It's hard for me to see you in so much pain. I want to help you, but I can only heal your physical pain. This goes deeper than that."_

_Ben didn't say a word, but considered her carefully. No one had been able to understand him and put to words what he felt like this before. He took her hand and brought it to his chest, holding it there and looking into her eyes. He made no effort to disguise the desperation in his voice. "Try..."'_

 

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As though someone had hit her, Ilira felt herself snap awake, leaving her memory behind. Before her, General Hux was flanked by NT-574 and two other Medic droids as they all stared down at her. She blinked, confused momentarily as to where she was. The medic droid nearest her held a shock point in his hand that is used to awaken those who have fallen unconscious. Ilira tried to sit up, but was met with dizziness and a throbbing pain on the back of her head. 

"Miss Odera, can you hear me?" General Hux seemed more confused than concerned at this point. 

"Yes, General Hux, I can." She vividly remembered what had happened just prior to her fainting, but tried to push that aside. That was not something she was prepared to deal with now, let alone with an audience. 

"What exactly happened here? Entee came to ask about your supplies, and when the both of us entered the room, you were unconscious on the floor, and Commander Ren's mask was displaced." Ilira reached up to hold her head as the throbbing continued. One of the medic droids offered her a pain pill, but she shook her head.

Taking a deep breath, Ilira looked at General Hux. "I was familiarizing myself with the machines currently monitoring the Commander and when I was inspecting the facial wound's bandaging, I wanted a better look, and so I unclipped the mask to see his face more clearly. As I was doing that, I felt myself grow dizzy and nauseous. The next thing I knew was waking up just now." General Hux's face was inscrutable and Ilira could not tell if he believed her words. When it came down to it, she did not lie to him. She omitted certain details which would put her life in immediate danger, and would jeopardize her position.  

Ilira took the General's silence as an opportunity to try to sit up again. This time she was more successful, and with the help of one of the medic droids, she stood up. Now that she was standing again, it was easier to look General Hux in the eyes and prove to him that you were telling the truth. "I have not flown in any space craft in many years, and I must have gotten travel sick." General Hux nodded, this time taking more stock in her words.  

"Make sure it does not happen again. Entee will lead my troopers into your quarters, which are in the adjoining room, giving you easy access to healing Commander Ren. The supplies you had on Ennth will reside in there." He stood up a little straighter, clearly making to leave the room. "I will expect an update from you in the morning."

General Hux left the room then, with the medic droids following him out. Entee turned to Ilira, walking towards her. "Miss Odera, will you require anything? Water? Food? I am happy to fetch anything you may need."

"Actually, Entee, some food would be wonderful. I'm not picky. Thank you."

With that, Entee also left the room, leaving Ilira alone with her patient once again. She looked over at him, and saw that his mask had been replaced over his mouth and nose, keeping him in a medically induced sleep. She drifted back over to stand next to him, watching the steady rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. "What happened to you..." Two storm troopers began carrying in supplies from her shop and heading towards the door that would lead to her quarters. One carried a gold case that Ilira kept a lot of her ingredients in. "Excuse me? Could you actually leave that case in here? I'd like to start using the ingredients in it." The trooper did as he was asked, placing the case on the empty desk space. 

Ilira consulted her datapad once more, this time zoning in on his ribcage injury. The bacta spray was slowing the spread of the infection, but was not treating it. Her best bet was to draw it out. She consulted her case and pulled a few leaves and tinctures and a mixing bowl and stone to crush the ingredients together. She began creating a paste that had turned a dark shade of green. The leaves she added were from the trees on Ennth that, when placed above a scrape or cut, drew any of the bacteria or dirt out. She used them frequently on the children in her village. The two vials of liquid were some that she had acquired in a trade with a pilot. They were antimicrobial sap from a jungle planet on the Outer Rim and liquefied pollen from flowers on the same planet. 

On her wrist, Ilira wore a simple bracelet that held a stone. It was a crystal she had had since she began to study healing. The crystal amplified her abilities, should she need to use the Force to heal another person. Other than healing Alin, it had been a long time since she had used that power, having grown accustomed to using the land to heal others. To use that power on a ship where no one knew who she was or where she came from was incredibly risky and she wasn't sure she could take that chance. However, it also was not often that she was faced with life-threatening injuries such as the Commander's. 

She could not bring herself to think his name again, or use the one given to him now. She looked over at him again, watching the rise and fall of his chest as the machine's kept him asleep and stable. Her head began to swim again, but she focused on her breathing, allowing herself to focus on the paste she was creating. 'Just heal him. Questions and answers can come later...just keep him alive.' The paste began to get tackier as she mixed it, which was the consistency she was looking for. She scraped the excess off the stone, and took the paste over to the Commander. Switching off the bacta spray machine, she lifted it and pushed it aside, giving herself the chance to see the wound on it's own.

It was deep and bruised and clearly discolored where the infection had begun to take root. Taking a small amount at a time, Ilira swiped the paste around the wound, covering the bruised parts of the skin. Touching him brought back the dizziness, but she focused harder. She brought the paste over the wound, being careful when she applied it to the open wound that went deep into his abdomen. Ilira put more there and then stepped away, putting the rest of the past in an empty container. She set the container down on the table and returned to the Commander's side. Glancing at the door, Ilira allowed herself to extend her senses beyond the door to see if anyone else was making their way this far down the hallway. She could sense no one approaching, and raised her hand and waved it slightly. A click issued from the door as it locked. 

Turning back to the wound she had covered in the paste, she held her hands over the wound, closing her eyes. She focused on healing and could feel the Force running through her and pooling in her hands. Warm spread from her palms to her fingertips and radiated down onto the Commander's side. She could start to feel his cells repairing deep within his torso. The Force flowed between the two of them, rapidly accelerating the process of getting his wound to a stable condition. 

After a while, she slowly removed her hands, feeling the Force retreat from her body to surrounding her instead. When she healed this way, she always felt a little light-headed in the best way. It was like a rush that she couldn't quite describe. She looked down at the wound and saw that spots had formed on the paste in a yellow shade. That was where the infection was being drawn out. She checked his monitors again, seeing a vast improvement. 

She could sense Entee returning with her food, and she quickly waved her hand to unlock the door. A moment later, Entee entered carrying a tray that actually smelled edible. It would definitely not compare to Callum Lo's but it would have to do. "Here you are, Miss Odera. I will set this on the table over here for you."

Ilira washed her hands in the sink before walking over to the table. "You can call me Ilira, Entee. I don't mind." 

"Oh! Alright then, Miss Ilira. Please enjoy your meal, and you can find me in the main medic bay if you require anything else." Entee then bowed her head slightly and then headed out the door, shutting it behind her. 

Once alone, Ilira quickly scarfed down all her food and sat back as the beeping and hum of the machines filled the room. It was clear that no one would be coming down to visit the Commander for the remainder of the night, and so Ilira felt safe enough to let her mind wander back to the Commander. While unconscious, a memory not thought of in a long time had come back to her, but it was interrupted when she had been woken up. She let her mind drift back to it once more.

 

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_'"Try..."_

_Ilira felt a wave of emotion pour into her as Ben let down his guard through the Force, letting her in. She felt his pain and conflict. She could feel the darkness there, hovering around him like an old friend. She could sense how hard he tried to live up to everyone else’s idea of what and how he should be. And she could feel his anxiety at letting her see this part of him. His hand was trembling as it held hers against his chest and she looked him directly in the eyes._

_“Ben…I don’t know how. If I did…If I could…I would do anything…” Ilira was becoming quickly overwhelmed by the shared emotional connection from him. She let her guard down so that Ben could see how much she wanted to help him. How she was capable of healing others and herself physically, but had yet to learn to heal the mind. She showed him how much it hurt her to see him struggling like this. And she showed him a part of her she had showed no one else. She showed him the part of her that was also drawn to a darker power; the part of her that questioned only knowing one side of the Force. “You see? It’s not only you. You aren’t alone, Ben. Not with me.”_

_Ben’s eyes filled with tears that couldn’t quite fall. He held her hand tighter, not sure how to respond when she said to him that, yet again, he wasn’t alone. She could feel the warmth of comfort that her saying that brought him. He pulled her hand from his chest and pressed his lips to it. It was a gesture he didn’t quite understand, but it felt like the right thing to do. Ilira brought her other hand to his cheek, bringing his gaze back to hers. She looked at him, unsure, but determined._

_She sat forward until her face was inches from his. “I mean it. You are never going to be alone while I am here. I won’t let that happen.” Ben could not stop a tear from escaping down his cheek that time. Something about Ilira had always drawn him in, much like the dark side, but he felt no guilt when he was around her or thought of her. And it was here, with her, that he felt peace for the first time. There was nothing else but her eyes, her words, and her hand upon his face._

_He leaned forward, his lips brushing against hers timidly. His hand found its way to her, cradling her face in his palm much like she was cradling his. Ilira inhaled sharply, but exhaled as she pulled his lips against hers again, this time with more vigor. His hand reached around, tangling itself in her hair as he kissed her with a hunger he had not known existed. She matched him, pulling herself as close to him as possible, completely lost in the sudden display of physical intimacy that neither of them had experienced before._

_Ilira pulled away to take a deep breath, keeping her forehead rested against Ben’s. She felt the corner’s of her lips turn up as she smiled. A soft laugh escaped her as she pulled a little further back to look at Ben. His expression was something she had never truly seen on him. He wasn’t one to show how he felt unless it was anger or frustration, but now it was something different. He smiled back at Ilira, his eyes filled with adoration. Their hands fell away and found each other’s, resting on their laps._

_Ilira bit her lip as she admired the peaceful look on Ben’s face. “I’m not sure what to say.” Ben squeezed her hands lightly, his smile widening and a light pink covering his cheeks._

_“I’m glad I followed you here.” He blushed deeper. “You’re never alone either. Not with me.” They both laid back, watching the stars together for what could have been a few minutes or hours, but neither noticed the time passing._

_“Promise me something?”_

_“Anything.”_

_Ilira turned her head to him. “Promise me that no matter what, even if it feels impossible, you will always remember that I’m going to be here to help you. That if you need me, I will come running…all you have to do is ask. Promise me you will come to me?”_

_Ben continued to stare at the sky, but held her hand in his, brushing his thumb over her palm. He felt her watching him, waiting for a response. He turned to look at her, and as he squeezed her hand, he said, “I promise.”’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of an introduction to a style that will pop up from here on out with memory sequences. I really hope you enjoyed this update! It was one of my favorites to write thus far. Please leave any comments below :)


	4. Precipice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ilira continues her work towards healing Kylo Ren and she grows closer to having to wake him from his coma.

A sharp knock tapped at the door, waking Ilira up. She looked around and realized she had fallen asleep at the desk. She quickly stood up and smoothed out her clothing and ran her fingers through her hair. "Come in!"

General Hux entered the room with two stormtroopers flanking him on either side. Ilira reached down, and grabbed her datapad, tapping in a few numbers as she walked around and checked the Commander's vitals and various machines. "Miss Odera, I am here for an update. Have we made any progress on Commander Ren's treatments?" His eyes fell to where Ilira was checking the paste she had applied to the Commander's rib wound. The green paste had turned almost entirely yellow, and had bubbled up parts where the yellow was brighter.

"Yes. The paste I applied last night appears to have sped up clearing his infection. His vitals have risen considerably overnight. I plan to work on a mixture for his burn wounds before addressing the wound to the Commander's side again." Ilira went to the sink to grab a clear solution and a rag. She poured some of the liquid onto the rag and, walking back over to the Commander, began to removed the paste. The bruising near the wound was still dark, but no longer appeared as though blood had pooled under the skin. The wound itself looked much cleaner, with no blood near the edges any longer. The paste had done its job in cleaning the wound and drawing out the infection that had begun to spread.

General Hux watched as Ilira cleaned the wound, seeing the improvement first hand. "Very well. When do you expect to bring Commander Ren out of this sleep?"

Ilira blinked at him, having not considered that. "It's hard to tell just yet. Based on the wound to the Commander's side, he would be in an excruciating amount of pain should we try to now..." Ilira began muttering under her breath, considering her next course of action. "If I used the sap again, but with the herbs...That could help the pain and clear away more of the bruising...Or if I can find my mix from the shop...But then the scarring risk...Unless I-"

General Hux interrupted her reverie and cleared his throat. Ilira blushed, embarrassed at how simply she had disappeared into her own thoughts. She wasn't used to having anyone watching her while she created cures. "My apologies, General Hux. At the latest, I believe that we can attempt to in the morning. I will work on expediting this process throughout today." He nodded, and left the room.

NT-574 entered the room a moment later with a tray of food and beverages. "Miss Ilira, I brought you your breakfast so that you can continue to spend your time healing Commander Ren. I was not sure of your appetite, so I brought quite a bit. Can I help you with anything else?"

"No, thank you. You've been exceptionally helpful by bringing the food here. I appreciate it, Entee."

Entee bowed her head and left the room, leaving Ilira alone again with just the hum of the machines to listen to. The food was, once again, on the desk, but before she ate, Ilira wanted to get a new treatment on the Commander's side. She realized that she had yet to even look at her quarters, and so she walked to the door, thinking of grabbing a few of her pre-made remedies for scarring. The door opened and Ilira looked around the dark room. There was a touch pad to the side that She tapped to turn the light on. The room was very simple. The bed had very dark linens, and there was a table next to the bed. The rest of her boxes and bags were off to the right.

Realizing that she was still in the same clothes as the previous day, Ilira grabbed the bag she had packed with extra and made to get changed. She shrugged off her cloak and instantly shivered. She hadn't realized just how cold the ship was. It made sense to her now why the officers and workers were all in very thick fabric. On Ennth, the climate had been warm, and her clothing reflected that. She grabbed a pair of dark gray pants and a billowy light gray top. As quickly as she could, she changed out of her clothing and put the new outfit on. She threw her cloak back over her shoulders, thankful for how heavy it was.

Ilira sat on the bed and pilfered through a few boxes, seeing if she had anything already mixed that would help. She found a white vial and a dropper and went back into the Commander's room. Approaching him with caution, she began to peel back the bandages covering the lightsaber wounds. From what she could tell, the shoulder wounds were mainly superficial. The scarring there would be minimal. It was the wound on the face that posed a greater challenge. There was no way to eliminate the scarring completely, but there were ways to minimize it. She took the white liquid and dropper and applied drops up and down the cauterized skin on his shoulders and face. There was a light fizzing noise upon contact which proved that it was working. She left the wounds unbandaged while the tincture did it's job, and returned to the desk to eat.

Entee hadn't been kidding when she had said she brought a lot. Ilira could barely finish half, so she called Entee in to wrap it up and keep it in a cooler. A half hour passed and Ilira returned to the Commander's side to check on the wounds. She closed her eyes, sensing no one near or approaching the room and waved her hand to lock the door. She held her hands above each wound, using the Force to help her heal him. On her palms, she could feel tingling where the wound was beneath them. She opened her eyes again, unlocking the door without looking and looked down at his face.

She tried to focus only on the wound that bisected it diagonally, but her gaze traveled; the light smattering of freckles that were invisible unless you looked closely, the lines that had begun to form just next to his eyes, the way his dark lashes were contrasted against his pale skin. His skin hadn't been this pale before. It used to have the glow from being in the sun. Now, it was just void and looked cold. When she thought about that, her eyes prickled. She shook the thoughts away and looked at the mask keeping him in the coma. It fogged and cleared methodically with his breathing. She was going to have to bring him out of this sleep very soon and the thought terrified her. The reason he still slumbered was the bowcaster wound on his side.

Ilira swung around to the other side of the bed to check on it. The levels of infection continued to drop and there were no signs of further internal bleeding. The wound was still open though and needed to be stitched. Ilira went to her room to grab another paste that could sit and clean the infection from inside the wound without needing to be cleaned. Once that was applied, she set to stitching the wound together. The line of stitches was jagged and angry looking, and made the wound look somehow more intimidating than before. She applied bacta salve to the surface and re-covered the wound with a bandage. For now, there was little to do but wait until his vitals truly stabilized. He had a steady drip of liquid to maintain his hydration levels, and the coma was persistent.

Ilira grabbed the datapad and began entering numbers in regards to what the machine's were outputting. The Commander's chest rose and fell steadily...she thought it looked robotic. She sat back down at the desk and closed her eyes, falling into a mediation. She emptied her mind of everything, allowing the Force to flow through her freely. She could feel the warmth it offered to her, the subtly nudges of support. It wouldn't surprise her if they were the nudges from Jedi who had become one with the Living Force. She had never been able to summon them or see them, but she could feel their presence around her often. Ilira began to focus on finding the strength to bring the Commander out of the coma. She began to attempt to let go of her fear, but it wasn't as easy as she'd hoped. His face appeared before her, no scar in sight, shorter hair and a light tan on his features. As much as she wished, this is not the man who would awaken before her. What would awaken, she was not sure; a creature with a familiar face, or a stranger all together.

The face changed as she contemplated this, showing the scar appearing as his hair grew longer, the color leaving his face. His eyes remained closed, but she still couldn't look there. **[Let go of your fear]** she could hear a voice saying. **[Identify what you are afraid of, and then let go]**. She didn't recognize the voice, but knew it was not a foe. It was the Force. Someone was communicating with her through the Force. Ilira concentrated on what it was that scared her.

It had been a long time since they had last laid eyes on each other. It felt like another lifetime, and in some ways clearly was. She had spent seven years believing that he had died with everyone else. When she had found them, she was too late. All had been slaughtered. Fires had erupted from the hangar, and the Temple was engulfed in flames. The only reason it was not destroyed was the rain. The two forces battled against each other while Ilira sprinted around looking for any survivors, but one in particular. She never found him. There was no chance he thought she was alive, or else someone would have found her. What she was afraid of was how he would react. He would instantly know who she is, and should he reveal that to anyone on the ship, she would be terminated. But, if he said nothing, she would be indebted to him for protecting her life. At this point, she was not sure which was worse.

Her fear of the Commander's reaction was the root behind the other smaller fears. **[Let go, and you will prevail. Let the Force guide you.]** Ilira took a deep breath and exhaled, pushing the fears aside and allowing the Force to surround and protect her. She could still feel the weight of her fear, but the light had driven much of it away. She opened her eyes, still holding onto the meditative feeling, and walked to the Commander's side. Her meditation, as usual, had caused hours to float past her. His numbers had improved again, leaving no reason for him to remain asleep.

Her datapad told her it was late in the evening. She thought it odd that Entee had not checked in or brought any food, but sensed no danger in the main med bay. Ilira send a transmission through her datapad to Entee, and turned her attention back to the breathing apparatus. Once removed, there was no way to tell how soon the Commander would awaken, but it was imperative that she was awake and ready when he did. Entee entered the room and walked over to Ilira.

"Miss Ilira, how can I assist?"

"Could you bring some caf? I'm going to need to stay awake and need all the assistance I can get."

Entee nodded and quickly exited the room. Ilira sat down and continued entering numbers in the datapad, creating an infograph of the Commander's progress. Beyond the healing she was already doing, he would need physical rehabilitation to regain full range of motion. His side injury cut through muscle and could very well have killed him, and that would require him to retrain his body. She made note of this in his chart and saved the data as Entee returned with the caf.

"Thank you, Entee. I won't need anything else for the evening. Feel free to power down, if you'd like."

"Thank you, Miss Ilira, I think I will. Please come find me if you do end up requiring my services."

Once alone, Ilira took a deep breath and stood. **[Let go of your fear]** the voice said again. Ilira walked over to the machine controlling his medically induced sleep, and tapped a few buttons. It flashed blue, then green, and signaled that it was powering down. She remembered a time when the boy she knew at the Academy had woken from unconsciousness and had thrashed violently until he had become aware again. Not wanting this to happen, and partially for her own safety, Ilira tapped the screen at the end of the hospital bed and restrained popped up and locked around his wrists and ankles. That would hopefully be enough to discourage him from potentially popping his stitches or Force choking her to death.

His breathing mask was no longer necessary, and so Ilira removed it from his face, setting it aside. He had yet to make any voluntary motions, so she pulled the chair from the desk to sit next to the bed, sipping on her caf. As an afterthought, she waved the door lock so that it snapped into place. However the Commander reacted when he woke up, she'd prefer it be uninterrupted. Perhaps she could defuse the situation before it got out of hand.

Ilira sat there, watching the Commander's breathing start to take it's own rhythm for what felt like hours. He had moved his fingertips a bit, but not much else had changed. She kept sipping her caf as she waited. Bringing her feet underneath her to sit as still as possible, she began to reach out through the Force to see if he was becoming aware yet.

Faint blips of consciousness were beginning to happen, but it was likely all he was aware of was the humming of machines around him. Ilira remained still and kept her reach there, sensing as he continued to climb from the depths of the coma he'd been placed in, careful to keep her Force signature masked. A soft groan escaped him as she registered his first sign of pain. His eyes squinted a bit, but remained closed. His fingers moved more, stretching themselves from being stiff for so long, and she could see his feet doing the same. He was aware enough to hear the beeping of his IV machine now. The noise brought forth his first question: ' _Where am I..._ '

Ilira sensed him moving more and sat as still as she could while he woke up. He couldn't open his eyes, but he could hear very clearly. There were the hum and beeping of machines near him, as well as the sound of someone breathing nearby. _'The medical ward._ ' He answered his own question as to where he was, but that brought on another. _'Why am I here..._ ' And he remembered with a flash; the duel, Starkiller base imploding, Hux rescuing him from what could have been a snowy grave...and _Han Solo_. He remembered the bowcaster and suddenly the pain in his side flared up. He groaned again, but this time, he tried to reach for the wound. There was something obstructing his motion. _'Restraints?_ ' He gathered what he knew thus far... He was injured, in the medical ward, and had been restrained. He tried opening his eyes, but his eyelids remained too heavy. He tried to speak, to ask the medical technician to release these restraints, but his mouth was too dry. He groaned again, and then heard motion somewhere to his left. Some buttons on a medical device being pushed and the pain lessened instantly. He sighed, able to think a bit clearer now. He had been unconscious, but for how long? He tried to speak again, but was met with a different pain when he tried to move his mouth. ' _The lightsaber wound._ ' She had cut him across the face before the chasm had appeared and separated them. Another groan. Then, a cooling sensation along the wound and on his shoulders, applied with the softest touch. No medical technician would be so gentle. All were men. This was a woman's touch. _'Who are you?_ ' The stiffness of the wound on his face alleviated with the gel applied and he tried to open his eyes again. They fluttered open, but immediately shut when faced with bright lights. There were footsteps and the lights dimmed a bit. He tried again, this time keeping them open for a moment. The room was blurry, but he could make out a few shapes before closing his eyes again. It was a woman in the room with him. He opened his eyes again, forcing them to stay open as he tried to focus on her. She had dark hair and was off to his left sitting on a chair. He opened his mouth to speak and managed a sentence, but in a much deeper voice than his normal. "Who are you?"

Ilira was confused. He was looking right at her, but couldn't recognize her? She wasn't sure if she was relieved or insulted. Then, he spoke again, this time with a stronger voice. "My vision is still blurred. Who are you?" Ilira wasn't sure if she should speak yet. **[It will be okay. Trust the Force, it will guide you]**.

"I am here to heal you."

The woman stated her purpose, but he still didn't know who she was. He blinked in an effort to help his eyes adjust, and the details began to clear up. She had turned away from him, but her dark hair hung down her back, and she wore dark clothing and a cloak. She was clearly not a medical technician. She spoke again, "I am a healer that General Hux brought aboard to ensure your recovery. Are you in any pain?"

He assessed. Whatever he'd felt from his side was numb from whatever this woman had given him. "Nothing I cannot manage. Why am I restrained?"

Ilira took a deep breath. She smoothed her shirt down in front of her and bit her bottom lip. **[It will be okay, stay in control]**. "Because of this."

She turned around and his eyes adjusted, seeing her face clearly for the first time. Except this wasn't the first time. He knew this face, but it was impossible. She had died seven years ago. And yet, as she bit her bottom lip and shifted from side to side, it was impossibly clear. "Ilira?!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SOOOO sorry this one took forever! I was traveling for a bit and then started a new job, and I rewrote it about three or four different times! I'm already working on Chapter 5, and I'm reaaally excited about it!!! Thanks as always! :D


	5. Conflict

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo Ren wakes up and sees a ghost of his past.

Kylo felt every hair on his body stand on end. He was still looking at her, but he was seeing images flashing before his eyes. But they weren't images; they were memories...

He saw the lake at the Academy. She ran along the shore while he sat on the rock, refusing to go near the water. She begged him, until he finally agreed and when he got close enough, she kicked her foot through the water, splashing him. He would have been mad, but watching her laugh chased away any of his anger.

He saw her healing another student in the distance. The student had taken a hit to the arm from a lightsaber and Ilira was seated next to him, hands over his wound, meditating and becoming a living conduit for the Force. It was magnificent to watch.

He could hear her yelling at him. He had disappeared from the Temple for four days, ensuing panic from his uncle and her. She told him how irresponsible he was, and that he had worried her. He couldn't listen to her yelling anymore, so he pulled her forward and kissed her until her shoulders relaxed and she forgot why she was mad in the first place.

He saw the rain from that night. The carnage was everywhere and the other Knights were reporting back to him. He heard two talking about taking out a girl with a purple lightsaber and he felt his chest collapse. There was only one such girl among the Jedi, and she wasn't supposed to be on this planet right now. He had made sure of that... At least, he thought he did. He felt his rage build as he interrogated his fellow Knight about the girl, and when the Knight described her, Kylo let out a scream that cut through the storm and shook the ground around him.

...

At the sound of her name on his lips, Ilira shuddered. She wasn't sure what she had expected to hear, but the voice was the same as she remembered, albeit a little older. She took a step towards him, watching as his eyes grew rounder the longer he looked at her. Was it panic on his face? Anger? Pain? She couldn't tell, but she couldn't tear her eyes away from his. The staring had gone on for a few minutes, with neither daring to say a word.

His left hand went to reach for her, as if to touch her and make sure she was real, but it was stopped by the restraint. "How..." He trailed off, not even sure how to speak to what he was sure must be a ghost or a vision. Perhaps he wasn't even awake yet. She sighed, looking as sad as he'd ever seen her. "This isn't real," he decided. It couldn't be. She was dead. Ilira was dead. Whatever this was wasn't real.

She continued her silence, regarding him carefully. He truly didn't believe what he was seeing. And he hadn't had any angry episodes or made any violent moves. She looked away from him for the first time and waved her hands, effectively releasing the restraints. He stretched his wrists and lifted his left hand towards her again. She could feel herself being pulled towards him. Was it him using the Force, or was it something else? She took another step forward until his hand was inches from her face. It hovered there for a moment, his indecision apparent.

If he touched her, it would ruin this illusion. It would prove that his mind was playing tricks on him and she would disappear again. But...it could be possible that this wasn't a vision. It was a small chance, but a chance nonetheless. He stretched his fingers forward and closed his eyes. He felt the soft skin of her cheek and his fingers recoiled as if burned. ' _Real._ ' He opened his eyes and saw hers filling with tears, though her face remained neutral. "Ilira..."

"Hi."

It was all she could manage to say. He wasn't being violent, and didn't seem like a monster. He seemed like the boy she remembered from before. She bit her lip and tried to hold back the tears from falling down her cheeks, but one escaped. She tried to turn away so he couldn't see, but his hand returned to her cheek, brushing the tear away. His face had softened considerably, and his pupils had dilated. His hand fell to hover near hers, his eyes asking permission. She nodded and slipped her hand into his. Her stomach was already in knots and when their hands touched it felt as though she exhaled for the first time in hours, the tension in her stomach lessening.

"What...is this?" He furrowed his eyebrows. Her hand in his made him aware of the rest of his body. His torso was mostly uncovered, save for some fabric and a large bandage over where he took the bowcaster wound. There was a blanket covered his lower half, and the rest of the room was very gray. He had so many questions he needed answered, but couldn't find the words to ask them.

Ilira bit her lip again, finding it hard to speak to him. "I wasn't lying before. General Hux found me and brought me here to heal you. He had heard word of my...unique methods of healing through talk from traders and pilots. I got here yesterday..." She paused, careful with her words."I had no idea that...this...would happen... I thought... I mean... I didn't know that you were... _here_."

It occurred to him then that she had no way of knowing where he had ended up all those years ago. It made sense to him that they were both looking at each other like they were ghosts. Hux had found her by chance and brought her here. This was dangerous. She had to be terrified. He could almost see the thoughts racing through her mind. Her face grew conflicted and she pulled her hand from his and smoothed the front of her shirt. He let his hand fall back to the bed, leaning his head back to stare at the ceiling. He had no clue what to say to her and she was struggling for words as well.

He had been staring up at the ceiling, sighing for a few moments. Ilira forced herself to remember the carnage he was responsible for. She reminded herself that this was not the boy she grew up with, but the monster that had been a part of the massacre at the Jedi Temple. He cleared his throat. "You must have a lot of questions for me..." He didn't sound ashamed, but rather timid. Ilira felt anger bubble up inside her. **[Do not let the darkness take hold. Push beyond it.]**

Her silence worried him. He had opened the door to the conversation that neither had ever thought they would need to have, but for very different reasons. He reached out through the Force, trying to sense what her reaction was. Her Force signature was always very prominent to him. It was warm and calming, just as she always had been. Though now the signature he felt was colder. She was closed off and had her guard up to prevent him from doing exactly what he was trying to do. She let out a low grunt, which was followed by a laugh. He was confused. She shouldn't be laughing when he had allowed her to ask him how he got here. And yet, she was now uncontrollably giggling. He looked over at her and saw tears forming in her eyes as the laughter caught in her chest. "I must have questions for you?" She was nearly choking on her giggles now. "You have to be joking."

He was mystified. He had never been one to joke about anything, and with her knowledge of who-what he'd become, it was apparent to both that she knew he was not joking now. Her eyes narrowed at him as the laughter faded into a grimace. "You want me to ask you questions? You think that ANYTHING you say could BEGIN to explain how we ended up here?!" She took a step forward, glaring down at him. "I have spent the past _seven years_ hiding on a foreign planet so that whoever killed all of ou-MY friends wouldn't be able to find me and realize I hadn't actually been dead. I have spent the last _seven years_ harboring so much guilt over being the ONLY one to survive. I have been TERRIFIED every single day that the monsters that haunted my nightmares would discover my hiding place. And at the same time, I wanted them to. I wanted them to find me. I wanted them to find me and realize what a mistake it was to believe I would die that easily. I wanted them to know how isolation had led to me becoming stronger than I ever thought I could be. I wanted to make them PAY because they killed EVERYONE I cared about. They had killed...YOU. And that pain ate at my soul every waking moment."

She stepped forward again, standing right at his shoulder, not removing her eyes from his. "And then my exile is interrupted by the First Order bringing me in to treat the LEADER of the monsters responsible for my Hell, or they'd kill the villagers. And then, I come in here and prepare to look into what I thought would be the face of a demon...and instead I see _YOU_. But it's not _you_. You're not _him_. _He's_ been gone for a long time, hasn't he? All THIS is is a fallacy; a sick joke the Galaxy is playing on me. Because the man I knew was not a monster. He was too strong to become one. He was too kind and too aware to fall into the darkness that threatened to swallow him whole. _That_ man... Was _everything_ to me. And I lost him. _You_ are not _him_." She paused taking a deep breath as she balanced her emotions once more. "I will heal you and make sure your wounds are treated to the best of my capabilities...but beyond that...I can barely even look at you..."

He blinked at her. She was right... He was not the boy she remembered. That boy had been weak and no one respected his power or his passion. They had all mocked him or held him up on a pedestal of goodness that he would never have lived up to. That boy knew that every students whispers as he walked by were always some insolent comment with threats they wouldn't or wouldn't actually back up. That boy was hated by everyone...except for her. She was always different somehow. She saw past his walls and the rumors and saw HIM and he had been entranced by her. His every happiness depended on hers. When she was cross with him, he'd move heaven and earth to make it better. But she'd never looked at him like she was now. Gone was the glow of sentimentality, replaced by the fire of contempt he knew all too well. The pain from what she'd seen and endured sent more tears down her cheeks and an ache formed in his chest. He knew he deserved this. But, she didn't know the full story.

"You weren't supposed to be there," he mumbled, still holding her gaze. Despite barely being able to look at him, it seemed as though she could barely look away.

"What?"

"That transmission... The one... _Skywalker_...showed you a week before...the one that said there were sightings of me on Soldar. I had someone send that. I knew he'd show you and I knew you'd insist on going to find me. Alone." Her eyes squinted in disbelief. "Ilira, you were never meant to be at the temple let alone on the planet that night."

Ilira finally managed to tear her eyes away and paced around to the foot of his bed. She ran a hand through her hair. "Do you think that makes a difference? You still slaughtered the ENTIRE academy! You are a _monster_. I cannot believe that the man I knew became...you."

She was pacing and starting and stopping sentences that she couldn't find the words to complete. He lay there watching her, feeling a mix of emotions. He wasn't clear if it was remorse or regret, but something pained him. She was growing more and more frantic in her inability to continue yelling at him and tears were spilling onto her cheeks. She paused; putting a hand down to steady herself against the chair she had previously sat him. She was turned away from him, but he saw her shoulders shaking as she broke down completely. He wanted to go to her, to comfort her in some way, but he knew he was the reason for her tears.

"I want to hate you. I NEED to hate you for what you did to them...and what you've done to me..." She trailed off and wiped the tears from her cheeks to turn to him. "...but I can't. Do you know how impossible that is? Do you even see how hard this is going to be? If you tell Hux...or anyone who I really am...I won't be able to fake my death this time. But maybe that's what you really want. Me to heal you and get you back to your previous ability and then just get rid of m-"

"I would NEVER want that." He grimaced as he nearly shouted to silence her; his facial wound reminding him of the physical damage that had him here in the first place. "Don't you see? You were never meant to die in the first place. You were meant to come with me! I was prepared to protect you and show you what the Supreme Leader had shown me...Something I know you knew too...That Skywalker had brainwashed us into thinking that the Republic and the Jedi had restored peace to the Galaxy. The Galaxy was in SHAMBLES until the First Order rose to restore the vision that my grandfather had set forth. Only _I_ could bring that back...to finish his work. I wanted to do that with you by my side!"

She was horrified. How could he have thought she would be okay with senseless murders? She had always been there to help bring him back from the darkness that encircled his life. Ilira thought she had been his light. "Did you never give any thought as to what I would have wanted? Did it never occur to you that maybe I didn't want to rule the Galaxy and take over and kill anyone who got in my way? I am a HEALER. I don't kill people, I save them! I _never_ would have wanted a life like that...not even with yo- Him."

' _Not even with him..._ ' He hadn't thought of what she would have wanted because he thought that all that mattered was being with him. He tried to think of a response, but came up blank. Silence filled the air between them as the beeping of machines became the only sound. After a few minutes, Ilira sighed.

"You and I...we...This is all just a huge shock. And the more we argue, the worse it will be for your body's stress levels. That won't help you heal... And I need to tell General Hux that you're awake." She had regained a calm and soothing tone. He could see the worry in her eyes, though, at the mention of bringing Hux in.

"Ilira...I would never tell Hux who you are. You may not see me as I was...and you're right. I am not that boy anymore. But when it comes to you...my feelings could never change. I will _always_ protect you." Her eyes fell to the floor as she nodded before tapping something into her datapad and heading to her desk. His eyes fell from the shine in her hair to the cloak she wore. His eyes widened with recognition. "That cloak...It-"

"Used to be yours." She hadn't looked up, but she could feel his eyes on her. "I took it after the massacre when I thought you had died. It made me feel closer to you."

He couldn't resist the urge to go to her this time, but as he tried to sit up, her hand waved in the direction of the door, unlocking it, and within seconds General Hux strode in, his face smug.

“So nice of you to join us, Ren. Did you enjoy your nap?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so life got INSANE and this fic sort of fell off my priority list...but it called me back recently and I kind of can't put it down now. I hope that you give it (and me) another chance! There's so much story to tell!


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